8 Months | A Letter to My Daughter

My sweet Addie girl, How did we get here?!

Back when you were a newborn, I remember thinking...

6 months is so far away. Whew. February is SO far off. Thank goodness! I get to enjoy this newborn stage for quite some time.

And no. It's just not fair. It doesn't. It just does not last long enough. The floppy weight of your tiny bodies on our chests, the newly opened and aware eyes taking our faces in for the first time, the tiny squeaks and groans and grunts….

I have this mind game thing I do sometimes where I visualize certain dates in the future and tell myself how long I have until we get there. So as I just mentioned, 6 months was that first big milestone, and it was awesome to think just how far off February was and how much time we still had to soak up this sweet stage.

And then all of a sudden February came. Ugh! So then, I shoot forward to a year. Thank goodness we still have six more months until you are a year. You'll still be a baby for a long time. But ohmygosh you're already almost 9 months old. And so it goes. On and on. Why do I have such a problem with time moving so fast? The fact that time is moving, and that you are getting older is a HUGE blessing. It means you are growing, it means you are healthy, and I will never stop thanking God for that every single night.

But I can't shake the feeling that I haven't done enough for you.

On Mother's Day there was this quote floating around that said something along the lines of "if you are worried about being a good mom, chances are you already are."

Well Addie,  you must have the best mom EVER. Because now we're at 8.5 months (yes, late again on your letter) and I am so worried that I haven't done enough for you your whole first year of your only. Your ONLY "first year." You don't get another "first year," and have I made it at all special for you? I don't know.

I don't know what a "first year" is supposed to look like. I feel I should be doing more with you, providing you with more experiences, surrounding you with more people. We don't get out much still because of sleep training, though I feel we are finally starting to get a rhythm (you are starting to sleep really well during the days now, and I am so proud of you!) and so our days are mostly spent at home. I don't know if this is typical; maybe it is. Maybe it isn't.

But one thing I have to believe is that you will always know how much you are loved. Even if our days are only spent on the floor of your room; even if half the time I'm just walking around wearing you so I can get chores done. I feel so badly sometimes that our days are so monotonous. I don't know if this a normal routine for babies or if I am just a boring mama. There are a few things I do know that I give you though….smiles--maybe a thousand a day. Kisses--maybe 500. And a couple hundred snuggles.

I just pray pray pray every night that this is enough. That you always feel loved. That you always know how special and treasured you are. And I hope that you love having me for a mom as much as I love having you for a daughter.

Here's your 8th month:

Your first Easter. We spent it with family and friends in Abilene. Your two Easter dresses had been waiting for you since before you were born. One was handmade by a close family friend, and one was bought in May of last year on our annual Mother/Daughter girls B&B trip. It was the first shopping I ever did for you. We had just the week before found out that you were a girl. :)

You always have one of two faces when you look at your Uncle Jake. You are either smiling really big, or staring really hard. It's cute. For the majority of this little photo op though you were staring at your Aunt Rachel. We couldn't get you to look forward! I have like five pictures of you doing this.

I found these pictures while looking through folders for this letter. The first two are nice. But the bottom one is my favorite. :)

Another regret…I don't have any cute "growing" pictures of you in the same spot for every month of your first year. It drives me CRAZY. But I know that it was just beyond my control, because we were packing, moving, half our stuff was in storage, half your stuff was in storage, etc. So I did my best to take a picture of you on our bed in each new outfit/size. I am trying to at least continue that, so here is your first little photoshoot in some new 9 month clothes.

I'll probably always and forever make you take a picture in bluebonnets each spring. It's what your grandparents had us do as kids, and its just what you do in Texas. :)

You weren't super excited about it, because it was close to your bedtime, but we got it done! Also, these bluebonnets were in our backyard! 

I love your brother's face in these pictures. He's trying so hard!

Ahhh. Finally. Picked up and in someones arms again. I feel like you're telling me "See. that's all I wanted."

You discovered mirrors. Or at least I think you began to notice that face looking back at you.

More 9 month clothes. One thing I've noticed this month is that you are in the stage where you are constantly looking for something new to get or grab. See: bottom pictures!

Pushing up like a pro!

Your Aunt Donna came to visit!

And your Uncle Jacob. I'm hoping these pictures will make them come see us more often! :)

Your first Founders Day. And your first experience with heat.

You were born towards the beginning of fall, so this was the first time you had really been outside in Texas heat for an extended period of time. And you did not love it.

On that note, you had your first taste of water! It was so hot, and you didn't want to nurse, so we gave you water using the old "finger on the end of the straw" technique. But then you just ended up liking the straw more. Whatever works.

I have been following along with this group of photographers, all moms, in a  series called Self Portraits of Motherhood. The goal is to get in the frame with your babies. I think its an incredible idea, because spending the days with you is such a joy and a privilege, yet I have very few photos of us together! So here we are practicing your sitting up.

You really sat up for the first time while we were at your Grandpa's for Founders Day. You had decided to wake up at 5:30, so we went in the empty bedroom and played on the bed for an hour. But it was pretty dark so I don't have any pictures. You were so proud of yourself. As you are here too. :)

I'm SO proud of you! It's strange, seeing you holding yourself up! It seems like just yesterday your little neck and head were floppy as could be. Just another amazing thing to me-how God designs babies' systems to grow and change so quickly and so perfectly.

Food this month was interesting. To review-at 6 mos, you still weren't interested in solids. At 7 mos, you would eat a bit of rice cereal, and maybe some apples here and there. Completely hated peas.

At 8 mos, you have turned into a total lover of fruit and hater of vegetables. I know this is why everyone says to introduce veggies first, of course, but every time we try, you take one bite and won't touch the stuff again. I have lots of videos to prove it. You are not subtle about it.

Look at that hair!

I don't have a ton of iPhone pictures this month. I am hoping it is because I am getting better about dragging out my good camera. :)

You're still pretty small for your age, but I've still realized that so many of the clothes we have for you either don't fit you, or won't fit you much longer. So I've been taking them out and trying them on you just so I can get a picture. Yes, your mama is crazy. Look at that hat. The bow is huge, but the hat doesn't even fit over your head. And such cute shoes that you will never get to wear!

The last two pictures are some more of my dresses from when I was a baby. The white one actually was a little big so you can wear that one again!

Despite your dislike of vegetables right now, you are obviously becoming more interested in food, because you grab for everything.

And you're becoming quite the mover in your bedroom. Not crawling yet, but I will turn my back from one second and you will be across the carpet.

You don't show any signs of teeth yet, but you sure do bite everything.

And just a few random ones.

Baking with me, loving your stackable rings toy, opening a belated Christmas gift from Aunt Donna, and hanging out with Grandma.

Despite my best efforts ;), you've never developed an attachment to any blanket or lovey or paci, so I decided I would try to introduce something just for nap time to help soothe you if need be. This is Peaches the Giraffe and you LOVE him! (her?) He mostly stays in you crib and waits for you to nap again, but we took him for a walk this time.

I love you my sweet girl. I am, as always, thankful beyond measure for you.

Love,

your mom

2014 Year in Review | A Letter to My Son

Ian, sweet boy- As you can see, I am writing this 2014 post in MAY of 2015. Unbelievable. But that is how crazy these past few months have been.

I wrote you your first Year in Review letter last January, and soon after, we found out you were getting a sibling. Such exciting news! But my photography, my blogging (pretty much everything) just kind of got pushed to the back burner. I had no desire to do anything except hang out with family! And read. And sleep! :)

Don't get me wrong. We had some amazing experiences last year as a family of three, and then four. But I just didn't take my camera everywhere like I usually do, so I don't have a ton of pictures. But it was a really incredible year…truly, despite all the crazy transition, I think we made some of my favorite memories as a family during 2014.

As I mentioned, in January we found out you were getting a sibling. You were so excited. But to add to that, we also sold our house, moved into my old rent house, sold that, built a house, and moved in to where we are now. You also started Kindergarten, and I quit my job to work from home. All this while preparing for/caring for a new baby. Talk about wild. It's been constant madness it seems, and I haven't exactly been the level headed person I usually am. Despite all the upheaval however, you have remained such a sweet, kind, loving boy. It hasn't been easy, I know that. I imagine it has to be hard to all of a sudden have your parents attention split between you and someone else. But you have dealt with all this change remarkably. I am so grateful for the loving spirit that God gave you. You love your sister so much, and can make her smile at the drop of a hat. You are becoming so independent, and are such a huge help to us at times. You love school, and have a consistently positive attitude about it.

I have a lot to learn about parenting two little ones, because I know I haven't always been the best mom to you through all this. But I hope you always know how thankful I am for you, and how proud of you we are.

So, to start: we finally celebrated your 5th birthday in January, because it had gotten iced out previously.

You also began to really develop your love of legos!

We did a lot of driving around looking for houses in 2014. Sometimes we would make a day of it and go eat a fun lunch.

We watched the Spurs win their fifth championship!

We went to the track near our house a lot. You have boundless energy.

Fishing with your grandpa:

You played two seasons of baseball. You really worked hard with your dad all year, and became quite the talented baseball player.

Along with Legos, you also developed a love for Star Wars. All of a sudden anything and everything could become a lightsaber. You also saw your first magic show.

Not your first Spurs game, but your first one with your grandpa.

And more Salt Lick. Always Salt Lick when we go to visit.

The pictures above are from our visit to Dripping again for Founders Day. This was your second one. We had been watching Bones since your Uncle Jake was working in Canada, so we brought him down, Jake flew in, Rachel drove in, and we all got to reunite for a couple days. We went a LONG time without seeing Uncle Jake last year. So glad when he came back for good.

You graduated from preschool!

Later in the summer we visited Cabela's…your grandpa had been wanting to take you here forever, so on our way to SA we stopped through and finally got to go. Not really sure why the water is dyed yellow, but you loved the kayak.

We visited Mrs. Stark again. You have such a warm heart, and just love everyone you meet. You are so curious too, which this favorite teacher of mine could tell, it seems.

We finally left for our little last family-of-three trip, and it was so much fun. We got our own golf court to ride around the resort in, and though we did make a short (because your mom was huge and uncomfortable) trip to Sea World, we mainly just hung around the resort's gorgeous pools. I read, you played, we ate a lot, we played bingo. It was relaxing, easy, fun.

I couldn't ride this slide, but your fearless little self did. I think you enjoyed it more than your dad did.

In June, we moved out of our house, and in to my old home near TCU. This was not at all in our plans, but because that house hadn't sold yet, it just made the most sense to live there until it sold. Only problem was that we didn't have any clue yet where we were going to go when it did!

No matter, we took FULL advantage of being so close to everything (after years of being SO far out in the country). We walked (rode your bike) around TCU almost every day. We watched the 4th of July parade from our front step; we had a park and a library right down the block. You went to zoo camp again, and we didn't have to drive 2 hours a day to get you there and back. Your swim lessons at TCU were 2 minutes away instead of 42. It was such an amazing couple of months. We had very little of our belongings because we had put everything in storage, so it was just a very calm, peaceful, time. Perfect for our last few weeks as a family of three. 

As the end of summer neared, so did the beginning of Kindergarten! This is your first time meeting your teacher.

It was really, really important to me that you felt special in the midst of all the changes that were about to happen, so before you started school we had an "Ian Day." We let you pick all the meals, and all the activities, for the day.

I loved that you picked a walk/ride around TCU for your first activity. Because it was just a part of our normal routine, and it made me happy that you enjoyed that part of our summer days as much as I did. By this time I was reallllly huge, but those walks with you and your dad were like a calming force for me.

There was one hill that you would just fly down with gleeful abandon. Made me giggle each time. I made your dad wait at the top of the hill while I waddled down to try and catch your expression. (I did take my camera everywhere this day. I made myself!)

For breakfast, you wanted a Panera cinnamon roll. I figured donuts, or Mcdonalds, but no.

Then we went to Flight Deck. I couldn't participate, and your dad kept me company, but you just made the best of it and had a great time.

We went swimming after that, and had Chick Fil A for lunch.

Finally, we went bowling, and then picked up a pizza and went home and watched a movie. All your choice!

You've always like doing "activities" (experiments) together, yet as I mentioned my motivation for anything creative had kind of waned. We managed a couple, even with very few supplies around the house!

Then…you started school! So excited, so brave…you were not nervous at all. Jacob and Bones came with us to take you :)

Your dad and I went and took our normal walk after dropping you off. Was so weird you going back to school two weeks before we went back to work.

These are the last pictures I have before your sister was born!

I guess God wanted us to meet her sooner, because on Saturday the 30th, 3.5 weeks before her due date, she arrived! When we knew it was happening, we woke you up and told you we were going to the hospital. We did not have a bag packed, so your dad started doing that, and told you to pack a small bag too. So you packed your stuffed Shamu from Sea World. Ha. Made me laugh.

I have all the details from that day in another post. It was a wonderful day of course. It was weird giving you that last hug before you left the hospital room. Because I knew the next time I saw you you wouldn't be an only child anymore!

I was (and still am) super emotional when I think about you both, but I definitely had no reason to be so anxious. There have been bumps, but you have been such a sweet, caring, kind big brother. You have dealt with two parents under a lot of stress from having a newborn and living in a tiny house. You have put up with my constant mood swings and me "shushing" you all the time. You have rarely shown any hints of jealousy. I know I'm repeating myself, but you seamlessly stepped into your role as a big brother, and I am so incredibly grateful for the bond you and Adalyn will have (and already do!).

The day these pictures were taken, we found out your sister's jaundice was getting worse (as you can see from her skin color in the pictures!), so the hospital came by and dropped off a little light bed for her to lay in the next few days. I don't remember anything about those three days except that I just lived in the bedroom with your sister. I was so emotional, and so scared, and I know I probably wasn't a great mom to you during that time. I'm sorry.

Finally, things got a little back to normal. As normal as can be with four people in a two bedroom house with hardly any of our belongings! We had only planned to be in this house through the summer, but God had other ideas and we ended up having to stay until December!

It did get hard at times. It was an old house, with thin walls, and loud floors, and it was not the most ideal place to have a newborn, an active kindergartner, and an overly anxious mom.

Your poor dad.

But I tried so hard to just be grateful for the small things. Your health, her health, the roof over our heads, etc. We continued to walk a bit, visit the library, and go to the park. But there were so many other things I was unable to do with you. I wasn't as able to be as involved in your first year of school as I wanted. And I wasn't able to go to many of your baseball games, when in the past I would never have missed one. I hope you never felt that it was because I didn't want to be there. I was so grateful for your dad and your grandparents, all who showed you so much love and attention when I couldn't.

You turned six!!

See your sister watching your every move in the bottom picture? She still does that, to this day.

Your Kinder christmas party, a visit from gma, and your first Gingerbread house.

The tradition of putting the angel on gma and gpa Larry's tree seems to have passed to you and Adalyn this year!

Annnnnd this. This was our New Years. It was INSANE, because we actually moved on New Years Eve. But, we couldn't sleep in our new house yet because of paint fumes. So we all (with the exception of your dad, who stayed at the house to watch the dogs) stayed in a motel for NYE. Everything is an adventure to you, so you of course loved it. You got to stay with your grandpa, while Adalyn and I stayed in another room. We were all exhausted; it was rainy and icy and so COLD. Really just a crazy New Years.

I hate that I don't have better pictures, but I kind of feel like 2014 was one of those years where we just made memories, without me feeling the stress of needing to capture them all.  And that's not such a bad thing.

Thank you Ian, for being who you are. I pray every day that God would teach me more and more how to be a good mom to you. He made you so special, and your dad and I are both so grateful for you.

We love you,

Mommy

7 Mo Add-On | A Letter to My Daughter

So Adalyn, I know I wrote you already this month, but I somehow failed to include one of the biggest steps we've taken together since you were born. And I just had to get this down because we all know I don't want to forget any of this, and this was a step. A tear-filled, anxiety-inducing step. Your dad is probably going to read this and roll his eyes and think o.m.g your mother is obsessive and still insanely emotional. And he's probably right.

But. This was a big, big thing I was holding on to, that God had to pretty much wrench from my clenched fist.

And that is you sleeping in your own crib at night.

I KNOW. You got to stay with us longer than lots of babies. In our little house we were living in for the first few months of your life (while our current house was being finished) it was a necessity. Not only because you were a newborn, but because it was a two-bedroom house, and your brother obviously had the other room. But then we moved, and though I know your dad believed it was probably time, I just wasn't ready. He didn't bring it up though, and we all know I didn't want to, so next to our bed your little pack n' play went again. You did sleep in your crib for naps, but that was different. I was awake and could keep an eye on you if necessary.

Fast forward two months, to me getting sick. I had recently been reflecting on how grateful I was that I hadn't really caught anything while pregnant or since having you, especially since I've been trying to stay away from most/all medications. Then, of course, some awful respiratory infection hit and not only did my head and chest feel like they were about to explode, but I was terrified that I had an end-of-season flu and was going to pass it to you. You couldn't get the flu shot this year because of your age, so of course my worrisome tendencies kicked in and I nursed you with a mask on for days that the doctor at the Urgent Care clinic gave me. Fortunately, my flu test was negative, but because I had not known that the day before, we had decided that your dad should probably put you to bed that night, and in your room at that.  I didn't want to keep you up all night with my coughing and sneezing.

And we repeated the same routine the next night, for the same reason. Then I started to feel better. And though I wanted so badly to have you next to the bed still, your dad and I both noticed you slept more soundly in there. It's darker in your room, plus there wasn't the risk of being woken by us getting ready for bed or the dog tap dancing around.

So, since the bandaid had already been ripped off without me knowing, I officially accepted that you would be sleeping in your room now. And it was hard. I cried the first couple of nights. I had gotten in the habit of going to bed semi-early so that I could get some sleep in before you awoke hungry or before your dad came to bed and woke you (because he is not graceful and would inevitably run into the bench or trip over something) . So when I went to get ready for bed that first night, and the lamp was still on and your bassinet was sitting next to the bed empty it just got me. It was so strange to sit up in bed and read with the lights on.

I think the intent behind keeping babies in their parents room is typically for night feedings, and for SIDS prevention. (Experts say that this helps, so of course we would do anything to keep you safe). But then it became a comfort thing, and I just loved being able to roll over and look down on you in your bassinet while you slept. I do know, though, that you are probably more comfortable in your crib, and that in the long run it is better for you. Even though you STILL haven't reached the bassinet insert weight limit on your pack n play, your little legs were starting to touch the sides when you would roll over.

So I can never be brief when talking about you, but to sum it up... you are in your crib, you are happy, momma was sad, but that's the nature of watching your baby grow huh?

Love you sweet girl,

your mom

Your dad always said that waking your brother up first thing in the morning was his favorite part of the day. Unfortunately I didn't get to do that with him, but I totally get it now. :)